Toughing It Out!

If it became well-known that you were being bullied at work, and your friends and family members asked you why you tolerate such behaviour, what would you say?

Would you give some such reason as, "I love my job. It's my manager I can't stand. I will stay away from him, and keep my head down." Fear is at work in this response.

Or, "some days are better than others, but you just don't know what he/she is going to be like on any one day." Fear is the motivator this case, too.

Do you answer your genuinely concerned friends by saying, "Well, I'm trying to put two children through college and on to university, and I need my job to help to pay the bills and fees." Fear is in evidence here, too.

"My wife doesn't work, and like everyone else, we are finding it a real challenge to pay the bills." Fear is at the helm in this response.

"I am strong enough, and I can tough it out. He may not be good, but he is much better than the one who left." The same dynamic is operating in this response.

"If I left my job, I would be totally misunderstood by all who know me," another response that is characterised by crippling fear.

When everything is placed in the weighing scales, what you find is an extraordinary result: everyone who uses these excuses has made a calculation that makes them say, and believe, that facing a new situation, doing different work in a different place and with a different company, is more intolerable that the daily torture and anxiety, misery and fear, that they face at work. They do not see the horrendous cost to their health and relationships that are involved in bearing up patiently with virtual torture, nor do they see or appreciate the tremendous benefits of moving on to something different,and hopefully, better. Research tends to support the point that, like alcoholics, Targets of workplace bullying wait too long, and indeed, until they hit 'rock bottom,' before taking the necessary action to extricate themselves from a toxic work environment. What they must learn to do more quickly is to remove bullies from their lives.

Growing After the Bullying Experience

The Greek philosopher, Epictetus, said, "Men are not disturbed by things, but by the views they take of them." No matter what it is that happens to an individual, how they perceive it is so critically important. The misconduct of the workplace bully causes reactions that are usually emotional. Such misconduct creates bad moods in the Targets.

There is a school of thought that says that our thoughts, rather than the actual events themselves are what create the moods we experience when something uninvited, unpleasant and unwelcome is inflicted upon, such as, workplace bullying. According to this school, emotions have two distinct components.

1. Arousal - what's in mind here are the physical sensations that are experienced, such as, a churning feeling in your gut, profuse sweating, dizziness, butterflies, nervousness, feelings of apprehension, etc.

2. A label - the mind must know what to call the 'thing' that is happening.

According to this particular way of thinking, it is believed that we get ourselves upset because of how we think about these painful events. This is eminently understandable when the anti-social evil of workplace bullying is under consideration. The Target is quick to think that s/he is the cause of this behaviour; that s/he brought this on themselves; that they are the only people in the world who have experienced this treatment; that there is nothing they can do about it but to tolerate it and hope it goes away quickly. Their mental processes lead them along this road. The ability to distort the meanings of the facts related to workplace bullying, and to do so in our minds, is an activity that comes naturally to us. It is this ability that determines how we will respond emotionally to what is being done to us.

These distortions weave a protective net around ourselves that twists and colours how we feel, according to what we think, and how we process mentally, what it is that is going on. These are silly, yet profoundly dangerous, mind-games that the bully plays on us. They wreck havoc in our heads, and it is as if, as one TV interviewee put it recently, 'my head was like a washing machine,' going round and round, yet never coming to any satisfactory conclusions. One common phrase that is used to describe this phenomenon is: "It's doing my head in!"

Returning to the point about labels that I mentioned earlier, if they are of the self-defeating variety, then they are like prison walls from which you want desperately to escape. They have built this isolating prison out of the materials the bully gave them. And the mind games that the Target cooperates with provide the upkeep for this scary prison.

By responding to this in the right way can prove to be a growing point in your life.  To find out more about this phenomenon of workplace bullying, click the link.

Bullying and Prostitution

We have examined workplace bullying in terms of rape, abortion and terrorism; but these are not the only pictures that can be used to describe this workplace evil. Another picture is prostitution. This was not a picture that I would have used until I met up with a former colleague within the sector in which I had worked for twelve years during our holidays in Spain. She had told me of how she had worked within a 'caring' profession for some years, and was forced to leave the work that she loved doing. She told me she had been treated like a prostitute by her former employer.

What did she mean by that? She meant that she had been 'used' and 'abused' by that 'caring' employer, and when the employer got all it needed from the employee, she was unceremoniously dumped. She felt used and abused by her employer; she was still very angry about what had happened; and her anger surfaced in our conversation. Was that an unusual experience by employees in today's workplace? Hardly.

The author can identify all too easily with this lady's experience. He had been taken for a sucker for many
years. He had been 'used' by his employers to get as much as he could from various sources for their own selfish gratification, while all the time giving the impression that they were supporting him in his work. They took all for themselves, and when they got all that, and more, they dumped him as of no further use to them.

On top of all this, they did not want anyone else to benefit from the good work that the Target had done over the years. Bullies want to destroy their victim so that they can not be productive ever again. They got what they wanted, and 'to pot' with everyone else. It seems that when bullies fear that they are about to be found out, they act speedily to disadvantage the Target who was the recipient of their vicious behaviour.

Being used as a man 'uses' a prostitute is utterly degrading and very, very painful. It is so difficult to speak about, because the Target is unlikely to be understood or his/her story given any credence. To be used for a while, then when all the gratification is received, to be dumped, is awful. Or, to change the metaphor a little, what does a smoker do when he retrieves his last cigarette from the packet? He dumps the packet as of no further use to him. Here is even an element of disgust on the part of the 'user' that wants the 'used' to be removed from his sight as quickly and as permanently as possible.

This is precisely what workplace bullying does, and how it operates. The bully uses the target as a man uses a prostitute - he gets his moments of pleasure, and then dumps her. The bully sees a certain desirableness in the Target, 'lusts' after them for a while, wins their confidence, then - BANG - hits them really hard. Where you find this has happened to you, there is a fair likelihood that you have been bullied at work.

Bullying IN and BY the Church

The recent distressing reports of the young boy who was subjected to indescribably horrendous treatment by four workmates, including his boss, surely stands out as one of the most awful to have been reported in recent times.

The distress of his parents was evident in the BBC interviews broadcast recently, and the details that were released sent shivers up the spines of those who heard it.

As someone who also experienced the terror of workplace bullying some 18 years ago, I know something of what it is like to be picked upon by colleagues – the self-questioning, the depression, mood swings, avoidance of company, and personality change. The unanswerable “why me?” question keeps on going around your head, because there is no logical answer to it.

The sleepless nights, the overactive mind, feelings of revenge, the irritability, the inability to trust people, are all well-documented signs of the negative effects of workplace bullying.

The two professions that stand head and shoulders above all others for bullying are nursing and teaching – and by some distance. But it is also carried out in some of the most unexpected of professions, namely, charitable organisations, such as, the church.

I was a minister of the Word in the Presbyterian Church in Ireland for about 14 years, and was subjected to ‘the treatment’ by colleagues at local and regional levels. Indeed, when I tell people where my bullying occurred, and who did it, they look at me with utter disbelief. But it was in the church and by the church that I was singled out for this excruciatingly painful treatment that resulted in me, the victim, losing my job, and the perpetrators being protected by the establishment.

Sadly, this is usually what happens. When a child is bullied at school, s/he usually has to leave the school and go elsewhere, and the bully can remain on at his/her school. In work situations, it is the victim who has to leave because of a work-related breakdown in his mental and/or physical health, or by his/her own choice, but the bully, who is usually a manager, is protected by the organisation, and even promoted within it.

In the case of the young boy, it was his ‘manager’ who, along with his colleagues, dealt out the bullying, and caused serious psychiatric injury to the child. And here’s the rub: in this case, one part of the state dealt appropriately with these four men, but another decided it would be best to protect them, and let them off with a slap on the wrist.

The message that this reckless decision sends out to all other bullies is that the courts do not take such behaviour seriously. A life might be threatened, profound damage done to that life (both mentally and physically), and the future stolen from the victim, but who cares? In any case, it was only a boy, and those who are making an economic contribution are much more important than a mere child! They may even be ‘pillars of society.’

Now such reasoning is unworthy of any comment, save to say that those who engage in such perverted logic must take a long and hard look at what they are doing, and the longer term effects of so doing on future generations. I have worked with more nurses and teachers, as well as people from other walks of life, who have been broken by their managers than I care to mention, professional people who are good at their job and who get on well with people, and the stories were quite similar.

The bullies don’t realise this, but they are damaging, sometimes beyond recovery, the best employees they have. These are committed, dependable, hard-working people that are needed in every workplace in the country. Contrast them with the bullies – incompetent, lazy, nasty, duckers and divers, boot lickers, possessing Jekyll and Hyde personality traits, at times psychopathic, people who will tramp over anyone, no matter who they are, in order to get on in their careers, nitpickers, negative people, always criticising and fault-finding, nasty pieces of work. Beside the victims, their bullies just do not stack up.

I’d be very surprised if the four men involved in the bullying of this young boy didn’t cover up for each other. In my case, other ministers, when informed by me about the immoral misbehaviour of a church elder, treated me as a liar, and protected the individual – protection that is still in place to this day – and punished me instead. At least two of those doing the protecting were promoted to the position of Moderator a few short years later.

I can identify with the situation of this young lad – the crying, the not wanting to be bothered by others, including caring family members, the depression, and in my case suicidal tendencies. Workplace bullying is a life-threatening behaviour, and it is also life-dominating – you just cannot get what these people did to you out of your mind.

One very important fact that victims of bullying need to remember is that they did not bring this on themselves. It was the bully’s decision to inflict this on them. It was not their fault that this happened to them, and when they ask the “Why me?” question, this is something they need to remember. It was not necessarily something you did, or did not do, that accounts for the bullying, but something in the bully, some deficiency or something present in them, that urged them to act in this manner. They are to be held fully responsible for their behaviour, not excused, and certainly not to be understood. What they did was WRONG.

Another thing that is important to know, is this: you are not on your own, and you are not the only person to whom kind of thing was done. It may be cold comfort now, but when you think about it, you will come to realise that there are people out there who have survived and come through this ordeal, and who can now help those who are going through it. You need their support, for this is much too big a thing for you to handle on your own.

One former Moderator once asked me what I thought about ministers, and I told him, “I don’t trust any of you. The only time I will ever trust a minister again is when he first proves that he is a friend.” I have learned that you do not have friends in the ministry, only colleagues.

The sad thing is that this type of gross behaviour occurs in every religious denomination – sometimes the professedly purer denominations are the worst. How can someone in the caring profession par excellence be trusted when that profession not only treats its employees in such a despicable way, but then proceeds to cover up the immoral behaviour of the bullies?

I have spoken to ministers and their wives, and some of the stories I have heard from them are devastating. Ministries have been cut short and ruined, marriages have been placed under almost intolerable strain, and serious breakdown in health has been experienced by these good men and women.

In every bullying situation, including my own, there were the bullies, I was the victim, but there were also the by-standers, the lookers-on who saw what was happening and did nothing to stop it. Thankfully, the man who arrived at the garage and disturbed the bullies as they tortured the boy, is to be heartily commended for his compassion and pro-activity – would there were more like him in today’s workplaces.

Workplace bullying is currently a growing problem, and decisions such as the one taken recently by the courts can only act as a spur on to those currently engaged in this anti-social behaviour. In fact, incidences of this doubled in the nineties, and there is no reason to believe that this trend will stop.

I would say to the parents of this child to proceed to sue for compensation those who abused your son. This initiation ceremony went horribly wrong, but even if it hadn’t, it was still indefensible behaviour to inflict on any human being.

Sadly, the only way employers will be taught a lesson is when it hits their pockets really hard. Get the best lawyers you can and sue these bullies. You do not know what the future will be for your son, or you, what help he will need, or indeed whether he will ever work again; so he needs to be cared for, and those who inflicted such damage on him must be made to pay. Rogue employers like this one must know that workplace bullying will not be tolerated in any civilised society. A clear message must be sent out that bullying will cost you dearly if you engage in it.

Because of media coverage, the name of the company is now well known, and decent people ought not to give it any custom. Young people or even older people should look elsewhere for employment, because working for this company could seriously damage your health.

I said that bullying inflicts psychiatric damage – an invisible injury – and it does. The positive news is that it is an injury, not an illness, and like other injuries will heal given time and the proper care and support. My health crashed as a direct result of the bullying treatment meted out by the church, which necessitated me being under psychiatric care for 18 months; but I proceeded to study for a Master’s research degree at Magee in which I looked at workplace bullying.

However, it took me 14 years before I could attend a Presbyterian church again. I have not forgotten what that church did to me and to my family, showed no care whatsoever for us, never once apologised for the hurt caused, showed no remorse, made no attempts at reconciliation – these came from my side – but for my own good, I had to walk away from the hurt caused, and get on with life, a most difficult thing to do.

I am not suggesting that this ought to be done by every victim of bullying, for each one is different. What I do know is that it will take a very long time for any measure of recovery to be experienced, and the worse the ordeal, the longer it will take. ‘Moving on’ depends entirely on where you are moving on from! So we are all different, and our individuality must be recognised and respected.

Bully Awareness Training

Bully Awareness Training is being offered to organisations throughout the world by KairoS TraininG SolutionS, based in Northern Ireland. The Director has conducted university research into this phenomenon for his Master's degree, and is very well equipped academically to deliver such essential training.

In addition, he was the target of workplace bullying on at least two occasions, so knows from painful and costly personal experience what this is like, and what it does to the individual and to his/her family.  Thankfully, he not only survived, but has, since 1995, been providing support services for the victims of bullying, and has designed and delivered training for organisations in this traumatic and delicate area of employment life.  Further, you can find more information on workplace bullying by clicking this link.

Linked in with the workplace bullying matter, is the need for an understanding of reconciliation issues.  Here Dr Lynch is extremely well qualified and experienced in providing support for those who have been traumatised in a variety of ways, not least by the terrorist campaign that still lives and thrives in Northern Ireland. His M.Phil. research degree was carried out into understanding the dynamics that surround reconciliation.  In the workplace bullying scenario, there is always the need, and sometimes the scope, for reconciliation.

These two major achievements equip KairoS TraininG SolutionS well to deliver services that will address, in a sensitive and professional manner, these prevailing issues.  All training will be in English, so translation services will be required if training is to be in the local language. 

The Church - an Abusive Mother!

Augustine rightly said that “no one can have God as his Father who does not also have the church as his mother.” The principle is sound. The Church, which He purchased with the blood of Christ, is His treasured possession. Christ loves her, and gave Himself for her. His purpose: to present her as a spotless Bride to the Father. And her role on earth: to bring glory to her Husband, to nurture, feed, encourage, strengthen, discipline, care for, those to whom the Father has given new life. She is to be tender with her children, discipline them when necessary, always love and care for them, and act in their best interests.

So far so good. But when that ‘mother’ turns out to be abusive, uncaring, unloving; when she becomes unfaithful to her Husband and flirts with other gods, when she becomes drunk with notions of her own self-importance, blinded by power and pounds, when she becomes the end of all things, she then has departed from her high calling – to be the Bride of Christ, and to submit to His will in all things. When that mother turns from and against the very children her Husband gave to her, and treats them in a most abusive manner, the entire scenario has changed drastically. The sad reality is that it is the blood bought church of Christ that behaves in this despicable way!

Yet when preachers, who are big on ‘theory,’ tell their congregations that it is their Christian duty to commit to ‘mother church’ as a covenant obligation, regardless of her track record, then they have gone too far. (I wonder how this approach differs from that used by the Baptists to convince new converts to undergo their particular form of baptism? If they are to demonstrate their obedience to Christ, then they have to be baptised in our way). In the outside world, if anyone suggested that children commit to a mother who has proved to be abusive towards her children, they would be roundly turned upon, and let know what reasonable people think about such a suggestion.  In fact, her children would be taken from her - and rightly so!

Further, before they agree to becoming church members, Christians must be told who and what the leaders, the elders, are. Before they join such a church, they must make it their business to discover what example the leaders set, how diligent they are at church services, prayer meetings, etc, whether or not they are truly spiritually men who are well-versed in the theology of the Scriptures and of the church, whether or not they have true pastoral hearts, what their record on church discipline is, whether they do lead in the affairs of the church or is their leadership a form of laizes faire leadership (if it brings the people in and keeps the church coffers filled, then who cares what God expects of His church), whether they are first and foremost ‘firm’s men,’ whether they possess the discernment that is desired in holders of this office; whether in their everyday talk they blaspheme the Saviour's Name, curse and swear like troopers, engage in sexually explicit language, and so on. These and related questions must be asked and answered satisfactorily before any commitment is given to any church.

Christians must also be told in great detail what submission to the leadership in the local church entails. Do the leaders (elders) to which submission is to be given have the confidence of the people who are expected to submit to them? Are the elders worthy of the submission of thinking Christian people? Are they true to traditional theological values and modes of worship, or have they ‘sold the pass’ and gone the way of almost all flesh within evangelicalism in all its forms?

It has been said that one of the reasons for membership of local fellowships is to show who the true Christians are. And church members and other Christians are expected to take this seriously! The truth is that all who are members of churches are not Christians, and many who attend worship regularly but who are Christians are not members. In my experience, my best Christian people were not officially church members – best attendees at worship, Bible studies, prayer meetings, etc, the best givers to church funds, and the most supportive of my ministry. On the other hand, the people who gave me least support, the worst attendees at ordinances – except the Lord’s Supper and insistent on the baptism of unbeliever’s infants – the poorest givers to church work, the people who made most demands, were most critical of my ministry, and yet who had a say in the direction of the church, and had filled the church with unconverted members. Even some of the elders were not Christians, and some of those who were did not possess the qualifications for this high office.

Given that type of ‘mother’ church, plus her track record as an unrepentant abusive mother towards her children – a track record that is current, is it unreasonable to expect, especially those who have been abused by her, to commit to being members? Add to this the fact that she is truculently unrepentant of her evil actions, and committing to her is out of the question. Indeed, her ‘faithful servants’ give their tacit support to church abuse, by refusing to identify the problem and deal Christianly with it.

For the church to regain credibility - if in deed this is even possible - there must be a root and branch examination of every aspect of church life, starting with the membership.  But don't hold your breath that this will be done.  We don't want mutiny in the ranks, and end up with a bad reputation in the eyes of men!

These ‘firm’s men’ are not good for the church or the Kingdom of God, and are, at the end of the day, merely playing at church. As for motherly care of her children? Well, that’s the biggest joke of all! 

Bullying within and by the Church is evil, and ought to be seen as such by all right-thinking people. Wherever it raises its ugly head, it has to be denounced in the strongest and most uncompromising terms.

Church Elders Bully Church Members

Bullying within organisations is not a new phenomenon; nor is bullying within the Christian Church.  And the bullying of minsters by elders and members is not the only form this bullying takes, nor is it the only target group that gets 'the treatment.'

In my work with the victims of bullying which goes over the past 14 years, I have had one case where a female church worker was bullied by her female minister boss. In addition, I have only had one case where a church member was bullied by an elder.

So, bullying in the church and by the church is still a problem; but the sad thing is that the churches are utterly incompetent to deal with this anti-social behaviour within its own ranks.  They may have experience of being bullies, but they do not have experience of being bullied.  At least, not those who are detailled with responsibility of sorting out church bullying issues. 

The Presbyterian Church in Ireland (PCI) has a somewhat chequered history so far as bullying is concerned. This is not the only church denomination that is involved in this evil behaviour, as a cursory visit to the Internet will reveal.  But PCI is one case in question.  It formed a Reconciliation Service which purportedly has responsibility for dealing with such conflict issues within congregations.  The really bizarre thing is that, as is often the case in industry and business, the people responsibility for dealing with these matters are themselves the bullies; and if they are not the direct bullies, they are too closely aligned with those who are.

How do church bodies deal with bullying issues?  Very simple.  They simply close one door after another so that the victims of church bullying are left even more devastated than was hitherto the case.  They close ranks against "the troubler of Israel," and offer protection to the system, and also to the system's 'blue-eyed boys.'  You could write the script!

Further, the more inexperienced the ministers are, and the less capable they are of dealing with elders who step grossly out of line, the more obvious becomes their ineptitude in this situation. This is shown by the old time resort to pious platitudes.  "It's always darkest before the dawn."  "God has a plan in this that you cannot see."  Or, the most recent one that I heard, "'Let's agree to disagree' and ... we will 'find out in heaven who is right'.  The niggling thing about platitudes is that they do in fact contain some truth.  The exasperating thing about them is that they are not at all helpful when addressed by an incompetent person as he disguises his own pastoral incompetence.

You would expect ministers, of all people, to have a bit of compassion for the poor victim, but alas, they are amongst the biggest offenders in this regard.  They are way out of their depth here, and it does not take the long to show it. 

And what of the victims of bullying?  Well, they are left licking their wounds, with no one within a shout to give any comfort or help.